So I've been putting off writing this entry for a while now....
You know when someone does something that should totally devastate you, but it doesn't? And all you can think about is why it didn't break your heart. Most of the time its because you've been lying to yourself. You've been trying to convince yourself that you thought differently for this person than you do. That you've
felt more for that person than what you do feel. Its a sad realization, when you're not mad at them for messing up, but when you get mad at yourself for letting everything drag on for as long as it did.
Those of you that are close to me already know what I'm talking about. And for the rest of you, maybe this wont make any sense at all, but it seems to be the trend in my entries.
For 6 years I've been on and off with a guy. Of course the first year was the best, when I was head over heels for him. But then something happened that made me realize that he had no idea who I was. And of course, then I went to college, where I kept him on the back burner. We would hang out when I was home and he would occasionally come and visit me. But I always had my life at college, my boys at college. Then last summer we had a huge falling out, and to be honest with all of you, I don't even remember what it was about. I just know that it was the first time that I went months without talking to him, without even
wanting to talk to him. But then I ran into him at a bar the week before I was moving up to Erie and we talked and then this past year he would come up and visit me at my place. We went back to the routine that we were in when I was in college.
Then this past June he moved up to Erie. To my apartment complex. To be closer to me. At first it was awesome. I had never had him so close, and had never been in that type of relationship before. I was more attracted to him than ever because he finally seemed like he had grown up, something that I had been waiting years for. But after about a month, things started to change. They just got weird between us. But for me, I was starting to see the things that I had been seeing the past 6 years again. I knew deep down that he wasn't the guy for me. He couldn't be the one for me. He never did the things that I wanted my perfect guy to do. We hadn't gone out on a real date in probably close to 5 years. He wasn't able to just cuddle at night without wanting more, it was either all or nothing. He never surprised me with flowers, or silly little gifts. He didn't fit in with my friends like I wanted. But most importantly, he just never treated me like I wanted. He never treated me bad, just not the way that a girl always thinks that her boy(friend) should. And I never held him to some outrageously high standard that most girls do. It would just be stupid things that would bother me. Like when we'd be driving and talking and all of a sudden he would turn the radio up and blast the music so he couldn't hear me talking. Or how he would always make excuses for himself, mostly dealing with work. I always knew that the exaggerated his stories, and I would call him on it, but he would always be so persistent. There were a lot of things that happened that gave me little red flags in my mind. But I tried so hard to look past them. And I just figured out why I did that to myself. It took a late night talk with Tim and a few talks with Lauren to fully understand it...
... All of my good friends from high school are now in serious relationships, most of them are either engaged or already married now. The ones that aren't, are probably no more than a year away from being engaged. I felt like I was so far behind that I was willing to
settle in order to
settle down. Even when I would look at him and think "I can't be with this guy for the rest of my life, he's not the guy that I want to raise children with". With all of my friends being at that stage of their lives I felt like it was something that I needed to do, be serious with someone. It wasn't until I talked to Tim this past week and he said "Heather, thats just because of where you came from, none of my friends are in relationships like that. We're only 23!" Lauren also said the thing that I need to hear from someone besides myself. "Heather, you were just settling, he was convenient, but not the one for you"
I think I'm skipping around way too much in this entry, and I'm sorry. But what happened to bring this all full circle was that about a month ago this guy said that he didn't know what he wanted with me. That he was in love with me but knew that he could never measure up to be the kind of man that I deserved. That I was too good for him. He wanted to slow things down, still see each other, just take a step back. He swore up and down that there wasn't a new girl, and that if there ever was, he would tell me the second that he started to hang out with or have feelings for someone else. I believed him, until I caught him with another girl at the bar, a week later.
I'm not going to go into the whole thing, because this is already an extremely long entry. But when I caught him. I didn't cry. I wasn't hurt, I was pissed. I was upset that he would ruin a 6 year friendship, not that he had ruined a relationship. I had always been nothing but honest with him. Especially when it came to other guys, I told him everything. Even when I knew that if I didn't tell him there would be no way for him to find out. I always expected the same back from him. I thought that he would respect me enough to do that for me. But he didn't. He intentionally hurt me, over and over again. He was caught in his lies.
I've seen his true colors now, and I should be hurt beyond belief. But I'm not. I'm not even as disappointed in him as I think I should be. I think its because I knew all along that this was the kind of person that he was/is. I needed this to happen though. I needed that solid proof that we're not right. I couldn't trust my own judgement, so I needed him to f*ck up so badly that I knew there was no way I could get over it.
Its weird how karma works. The night at the bar that this happened a guy from out of town wanted me to hang out with him. And since then my guy friends that I've pushed to the side and told them that I couldn't go out with because of the EX have come out of the woodwork.
I know that I'm not ready for anything serious. But I'm definitely allowed to have some fun. I wont go looking for something. But if something finds me, I'm just gonna run with it.
