Is Love Lost?

One of the newest secrets on PostSecret

... simple, but so true.

I've been talking to a lot of my friends about relationships and how they come about and the kind of relationship that we want. We've come to the agreement that none of us want to rush into a relationship. But that seems so hard these days. Not to rush. Especially life in college or life after college. Think about it. When you're in college all of the people that you meet are from where? Your college. Which mean that they all probably live within a 5 mile radius of you. Making it extremely easy to rush into something. Sadly, its usually the physical aspect of a relationship that you rush into, instead of the emotional side. And of course that makes sense. Because you honestly cannot rush into the emotional part. Trusting someone with your heart, with all that you are is much harder than trusting someone in your bed. (Not that my friends and I are gong around and sleeping with every person that we meet. Thats not the case at all)

I was talking to a friend from college a week or two ago and he was telling me about the relationship that he was in with a girl that lived in his apartment complex. I don't know all of the details of their relationship, but the girl had recently told him something along the lines of "i feel like we've rushed into this and don't know if i could ever fall in love with you". We all live for that feeling, excitement of falling into love. Its more than just a feeling, its an experience. It's suppose to be about those late night talks where you become more honest with yourself because you're being so selflessly honest with someone else. Its suppose to be about the first time that other person finishes your sentence, the way that you instantly smile when they reach for your hand, and sharing who you used to be with the person that you want to be with.

As I'm typing this, the lyrics from the song "Tiger Lilly" by Matchbook Romance is playing on my iTunes shuffle:

why does tonight, have to end?
why don't we hit restart,
and pause it at our favorite parts.

... those are the nights that I want more of. The ones where I get back to my apartment and replay the entire night in my head, trying to sort out which memory could have possibly been the best.

So why do we rush things? Well, for some of us, it might be because those relationships that we didn't rush still got us burnt. The ones that we experienced falling in love with are the ones that hurt us a hell of a lot more than the ones that didn't call us after a friday night make out session. And as much as we want to get back to that place, where we can experience love again, first we must get past the bitter taste of losing that last love. But until then, is love lost?

Timing

Its 2am, and of course, I can't sleep...
I've been getting bored lately. So I've thought about getting a new tattoo or piercing, but instead settled on a new hair cut (which I love) I've been hanging out with new people, doing new things. I think thats the only way to get something new out of my life. Because if you keep doing the same things, you're going to get the same results, right?

... I've been thinking about timing. I know I've written about this before, it seems to be the story of my life.

... But I'm beginning to think life is simply about timing and distance. Things never turn out the way that you have them planned. Like before you go out on a first date with someone and as much as you might try not to, you always run through what you think is going to happen. And what is the main difference between our preconceived notions and the reality that follows hours later? Timing. Instead of the guy kissing you at your door at the end of the night, it happens too soon, throwing you off guard and making you completely second guess everything. That might have been a bad example, but it makes sense in my head.

... Every half-serious relationship that I have been in has ended due to a timing or distance conflict (sometimes those are one in the same)... The guy was going to college, I was going to college, he was going into the army, he lived in Pittsburgh while I was in Slippery Rock, we were both at different points in our lives... yadda yadda yadda. I think this is probably why most serious relationships falter. Because if you're in a serious relationship with someone, it probably wont end because of something stupid like you don't like their type of music.

... I think that I'm so afraid to find out that the timing is wrong that lately I haven't even been trying to find out. Instead I've been trying to just have my fun at that moment. And that's fine and everything, but when I stop and really look back at it. I know that I've been hurt. And not by the person, but by the timing. I've only been hurt, really hurt, once by a guy. Unfortunately that was the last one. And I know its a matter of timing. Because everything else was there. We had spent six years missing those moments like they do in the movies. You know exactly what I mean, those sappy love songs where there is some force that is keeping the two main characters from meeting. Where the girl rounds the corner the second before the guy turns to his left to see that same corner.

... A lot of the times we sit and wait for timing to work itself out. But what are the chances in that? That yesterday wasn't good, but tomorrow everything will be perfect. I guess with love it only has to happen once. Just once everything else has to be perfect, and the timing has to fit. Just once.

... There's one scene in Season 3 of One Tree Hill that really gets me. I think its because its something that I have actually said to someone and they have said back, word for word.

Brooke: "I wanted you to fight for me"
Lucas: "How was I suppose to know that?"
Brooke: "You just are"

... I don't know if anyone else can understand why that quote works so well with the rest of this entry. But if not oh well, I'm done worry about if anyone else can understand my entries and what I'm feeling or trying to get at. Because lately I have learned that the people that I really care about and want to read this and understand are actually the ones who can. Either because they know me well enough to have some sort of idea how my brain works, or because they too are going through a similar experience.

... I've thought about editing my entries. Like posting them at night and then going back to them the next day and rearranging them to make them make more sense. But I've decided that if I do that, I would lose the Heather in the entries. Jumping around from thought to thought, not necessarily getting out what I originally wanted to, that's how I am, thats how my life works. And if I went and edited the entries then I wouldn't be doing myself or my readers justice. (And all of you that know me well enough would be able to pick up on that extremely quickly)

Ok, I really need to stop rambling though and try to get some sleep tonight.

Hilarious

So I stumbled upon the ex's new girlfriend on myspace. .. (Completely by accident)
... and this is what is posted on her profile:


... funny, no?

Shadows and Regrets

Its weird... I came home this weekend, labor day weekend. And today I went to the local fair, the day before it actually starts, and I ran into a bunch of people that I haven't seen in a year. I was gonna right about how it feels to be back and all of that... but instead I heard this Yellowcard song, and it explains it all perfectly.

I'm back, back in town
And everything has changed
I feel, feel let down
The faces stay the same
I see, see shadows
Of who we used to be
When I drive, drive so slow
Through this memory

When we were only kids
And we were best of friends
And we hoped for the best
And let go of the rest

I heard, heard myself
Say things I take back
If I could, could retell
And make these stories last
I see, see shadows
Of who you'll always be
I drive, drive these roads
Made of memories

When we were only kids
And we were best of friends
And we hoped for the best
And let go from the rest
Shadows and regrets
We let go from the rest

Everything has changed
Faces stay the same
Everything has changed
Faces stay the same

And we were only kids
And our time couldn't end
And how tall did we stand
With the world in my hands
And we were only kids
And we were best of friends
And we hoped for the best
And let go of the rest
And shadows and regrets
We let go of the rest
Shadows and Regrets
We let go of the rest


I got to hang out with Aut today, and that makes me extremely happy. She understands parts of me that nobody else does. She's wonderful, and I wish that she could see what I do in her.